The Mom Who Never Wanted the Job

websitepicHi! I’m Toni Hammer and I’m the owner and writer of this here blog. Thanks for reading!

A little about me since that’s why you clicked here. I’m a stay-at-home mom who never wanted kids. I have two: Lillian and Levi.  What’s better than not wanting kids and now having two? How about the fact they were born 355 days apart?

My poor uterus.

While it’s true I never wanted kids, and I have no shame in admitting that, I love them so much. They make me laugh, help me smile on bad days, have taught me to be adaptable to their ever changing skills and attitudes, and they give me daily opportunities to cut myself some slack and give myself some grace.

Just because I never wanted this adventure doesn’t mean I’m not loving the journey.

When I’m not writing or cooking or yawning or scraping dried yogurt off the carpet, you can find me drinking copious amounts of coffee while tweeting, updating my Facebook status, and trying to get the Curious George theme song out of my head.

tonileah.hammer(at)gmail.com



27 Comments on The Mom Who Never Wanted the Job

  1. carla
    July 8, 2014 at 10:50 am (3 years ago)

    And how a girl that never wanted to have kids, have two (not one but two?) ?? Id like to know the story. Greetings from Peru. Nice website. (i have no kids, had a miscarriage some months ago and im thinking seriously if i will try again. I adore my life as it is right now).

    Reply
    • admin
      July 20, 2014 at 3:24 am (3 years ago)

      Thanks for the nomination!

      Reply
  2. Heather
    August 18, 2014 at 10:36 am (3 years ago)

    I admire your honesty but what will your kids say when they know you never wanted them in the first place? YES, I know, they’re only 2 and 1 now, but they will hear one day (from their friends, from their friends’ mothers?). I’m sure you’re over the shock of having children, and yes it’s a shock even for those who want them, but the psychiatrists’ consulting rooms are full of people who once heard, as kids, that they weren’t wanted. I like the way you write, maybe I’ve got the wrong end of the stick and the whole Blog is one big Irony. But kids don’t understand irony. I wish you well.

    Reply
    • Toni Hammer
      August 19, 2014 at 5:56 pm (3 years ago)

      Hi Heather! Thanks for taking the time to check out my site and comment. You’ve actually given me the idea to add some more information to the About page, but I’ll use this as a rough draft. :) The fact that I never wanted kids in the first place doesn’t mean I don’t love them with everything in me. Though this journey wasn’t planned, I still treasure and love every day of this adventure. There are many things we do in life that we don’t want to do, but they turn out okay. For instance, maybe someone never wanted to move across the country, but they did for work, and it’s there that they found their spouse. Something like that. So while I never wanted kids, I don’t regret having them. This blog is just told from my viewpoint as one who never wanted kids as a way to help other moms in similar situations know they’re not alone, and to help them fight shame they may feel from others for being a mom who never wanted the job. We love our kids–we just never planned on having them. I hope this helps clear things up!

      Reply
      • Damaria Senne
        October 24, 2014 at 6:21 am (2 years ago)

        Hi Heather. Your response made me want to share my own experience. I never wanted to have kids either, but years ago, through cirumstance, I ended up as foster mother to a beautiful 9-month girl.

        I’ve always been honest about not wanting to have kids (somehow people feel free to interrogate you about it when you’re an adult woman and don’t produce biological offspring). So my decision to become a parent to Baby was sort of a shocker to friends and family.

        I think a big issue when a parent has a child they didn’t (initially) want is what happens when the baby has arrived. For some, that absolute love that a mother has doesn’t happen or it’s twisted by their own experiences, which harms the baby.

        But a “reluctant” mother can fall in love with a baby and that’s what happened with me. She was there, needing me to step up. What else could I do but love her?

        From the beginning, I was acutely conscious that I had to make sure she KNEW she was loved; that she was gift I didn’t even know I needed.

        Baby is 16 now (I hope you don’t mind I’m including a link for you to meet here here http://bubblesandbandanas.wordpress.com/) and she knows I love her. She says it gives her confidence in life because whether someone likes her or not, she knows there are people in the world who love her absolutely; who think she’s all that. And that’s what I wanted to for her.

        Reply
      • jen
        January 6, 2015 at 9:37 am (2 years ago)

        Toni, you will regret writing “I never wanted my kids” more than you can imagine. I learned the hard way, brutal honesty is never the way to go when it comes to your off spring. My daughter once asked if I cried when she went off to college (keep in mind I love my kids more than life and always told them that) but after an exhausting couple of years in high school and the constant fear she wouldn’t get into the perfect college, all I felt was relief when she left. So of course my answer was “no, I was so glad to see you go” meaning of course I felt a sense of accomplishment, but I think this really scarred her and I couldn’t take it back no matter how much I explained it.

        Pick your words wisely when you send them out to the universe, and keep many to yourself, no matter how much you think it makes good reading.

        Reply
        • lolla
          July 27, 2016 at 4:03 am (8 months ago)

          Toni did not write she never wanted HER kids, she wrote she never wanted kids. Big difference! Having kids of her own changed her heart and whole perspective around having kids.
          But if my mom told me she was glad to have me out of the house, it would have also hurt me deeply.

          Reply
  3. Carmen Eckard
    October 8, 2014 at 7:45 am (2 years ago)

    I found myself singing “You never do know what’s around the bend” yesterday, WHEN MY KIDS WERE NOT WITH ME, and part of me died. It was the last part of me that was “cool”.

    Reply
    • Toni Hammer
      October 10, 2014 at 6:29 am (2 years ago)

      Kids suck the cool right out of you!

      Reply
  4. Jaime
    November 17, 2014 at 6:42 am (2 years ago)

    If my mom had said she never wanted kids and then proceeded to blog about how much she is loving this journey of parenting she is on, I’d feel pretty darn special. “Hey, mom didn’t want kids before but I changed all of that when I was born!” Major ego boost :-)

    Reply
    • Damaria Senne
      November 17, 2014 at 7:23 am (2 years ago)

      That’s my 16 year old’s take on it :)

      Reply
    • Toni Hammer
      November 20, 2014 at 10:31 am (2 years ago)

      I love this. Thank you SO much, Jaime!

      Reply
    • Pearl Allard
      February 11, 2016 at 11:15 pm (1 year ago)

      Here here! Those who have to consciously make the choice to love (ie didn’t plan on kids but later embrace them), may well be the ones that love truest because they have no idealist notions obscuring what real love looks like. My dad said that he never wanted kids, made my mom promise they’d never have any, actually! When I found out, all I felt was the enormity of love and sacrifice my dad made for my mom (who changed her mind and wanted a baby). How could a child not feel honored to know that their parent intentionally became selfless when she entered the world?

      Reply
  5. M
    November 18, 2014 at 5:24 am (2 years ago)

    My mother always wanted to write and travel but her biological clock was ticking and she decided to have a family instead. She, in a well-intended way, was fond of telling me, “I gave up my dreams for you.”

    And that stuck with me for so long that I was sure I never wanted kids because I didn’t want to give up on my dreams. Now I, like you, am a mother of two who never wanted kids. I didn’t give up my dreams for them and I’ll never tell them that. I absolutely love them every day though, and don’t regret a thing.

    Reply
    • Toni Hammer
      November 20, 2014 at 10:32 am (2 years ago)

      Amen! My kids are actually making my dreams come true in a weird kind of way. They are the best muse I could ask for. :)

      Reply
  6. Christina
    January 5, 2015 at 5:34 pm (2 years ago)

    I can 100% relate – in an eerily similar way. I am the first of two children born to parents who never envisioned having children. Even crazier, I the daughter was born August 6th and my younger brother was born 355 days later on July 26th. It was always a common known fact that my brother and I were both accidents, but never once did I think there was anything wrong with that. Ignore the negative, embrace the positive and enjoy your Irish twins.

    Reply
  7. Susan York Meyers
    January 6, 2015 at 9:04 pm (2 years ago)

    I just read your “A Letter to My Children Whom I Never Wanted.” It’s beautiful. Thank you for sharing your story. If we all pretended there aren’t struggles, how would we help anyone else along the journey.

    God Bless,
    Susan

    Reply
  8. chaanah2014
    January 8, 2015 at 10:14 pm (2 years ago)

    I was also an unplanned baby. Back in 1969 when my mom found out she was pregnant with me she was advised by the doctor to terminate the pregnancy because of her age (38 was considered mature for a mom back then) as well as the fact that she’d had Rheumatic Fever and her health was very delicate. Turned out I’d been there longer than they had known so it was too late to terminate but my mom refused from the outset. People frightened her with horror stories of birth defects, potential Downs Syndrome and a host of other negative reactions. My brothers were teenagers (just 13 months apart), so there was the “embarrassment” factor of being an “older” mom. Well I was born small, but healthy and my mom wanted a girl so badly I am pleased I didn’t disappoint her. My mom always said to me that I was her answer to prayer but she never hid from me the fears she’d had about things going horribly wrong. I knew I was special and wanted even though there had been so much against me getting here. I don’t think you have created a problem for your children by being honest – it’s clear from your blogs that you adore them. Kids need to know that their parents are just human, fearful, real beings. As long as they know they are cherished they will work out that we are doing the best we can as we go along and that everything we do is for their good.

    Reply
  9. pn
    January 13, 2015 at 5:01 pm (2 years ago)

    Toni,

    My youngest daughter, whom you know and who said, “Mom! You gotta read my friend’s blog! She’s funny and real,” forwarded your URL and I’ve been one of your readers for a day or two, now.

    Anne’s right. You write very interesting and true essays with just enough comic relief.

    I concur with your theme: full-time Mom-ing it with tiny tots is not for wimps. Humor helps.

    If others mothers (no matter their age) will admit it, they can or did relate to many of your emotions. As much as there is no other love affair like that which you have with your little ones, tending tots 24/7 can still sometimes be hazardous to mental health
    .
    On the other hand, while “playing with the kids,” it’s about the only time when you can color (with a CRAYOLA PACK OF SIXTY-FOUR THAT HAS THE SHARPENER ON THE SIDE!) in coloring books (inside or outside the lines); blow bubbles all over the yard; eat tasty baby food (Gerber’s Blueberry Buckle was pretty yummy, as I recall); and build forts in the living room to play in without other adults thinking you need some serious meds…

    To those concerned with your candid confessions and how they might affect your kids one day, I think our children will eventually come to understand the Mom angst we express from time to time, because we all do one way or another, if we continue with the honesty and the humor.

    And maybe how we managed will help them, someday, too, in their own “toddler trenches.”

    I think they may extend us mercy.

    Right, Anne?… Anne?… Anybody? ;)

    The only advice I have is to take naps when you can. My mother, who raised eleven of us, got so good she could lay her head back and “power nap” for ten minutes and come back swinging.

    Cheers,
    Anne’s and Jenni’s mom

    Reply
  10. Kimberly Wood aka Gra'ma Kim
    March 21, 2015 at 5:16 am (2 years ago)

    Oh my goodness!
    In perfect honest fashion I must say….

    You keep it up!
    In the end, you will have 2 of the healthiest minded children ON THE PLANET! And that ladies and gents is the ultimate goal.
    If Toni keeps being real to God, herself and her darlings- the rest WILL fall in place!
    At 54 years young, 2 bio daughters, 3 adopted sons, 10 grandchildren- 2 ex’s and a true keeper if a husband….. I do know a thing or two ’bout what I’m saying!
    God bless ya, Toni!

    PS…i wanna be like you when i grow up.

    Reply
  11. Carol Mourao
    April 5, 2015 at 8:39 pm (2 years ago)

    Hi, Tori!
    Wow, I’m so glad that I found your blog (thank you, Huffington post!). I love chronicles about parenthood and yours are delightful! I’m Brazilian living in Portugal and the chronicles in my mother tongue are awful. I’ll thank my mom for paying me an English course when I was a kid LOL.
    Keep doing what you’re doing and your kids will be very proud of their mom sooner than you expect.
    Cheers!
    Carol.

    Reply
  12. Danielle - The Party's Over Here
    May 20, 2015 at 11:24 pm (2 years ago)

    Hi Toni! I just have to say, my parents were married for 9 years before they had my sister, then me. My dad never wanted kids, even though my mom did. At the time, he was around my cousins who were holy terrors.
    Well, along came my sister and then me 4 years later. I am so lucky to have the best parents ever! My dad is an amazing father, especially for a guy that “never wanted us”. He never made it a secret that he didn’t, but always told us how happy he was that he did. I am in my late 30′s with two little girls and have not one issue with my dad’s honest opinion. Just thought I would share. :)

    Reply
  13. Maricar
    July 12, 2015 at 3:38 am (2 years ago)

    Thank you so much for you pure honesty! I just came back from a trip with my in-laws that made me feel like I should be in the Wall of Shame for Bad Moms since my kids are very active and can’t sit still and I’m more relax with my kids than my in-laws. Your blog made me feel so much better and made me realize I’m not a “bad Mom”. My parenting styles are just different. I have a 2.5 year old daughter and an almost 5 year old son who have a love and hate relationship with each other, constantly fighting and making each other laugh at the same time. It took me 8 years before I had my first child, due to the fear of not ever being as good as a Mom as my sister-in-law. She definitely loves parenting my kids when I’m around, which according to my husband was just to show me a different technique for she’s the perfect Mom in his eyes and whatever she was doing was working for my son. So thank you for leaving me laughing at the end of a hard day/week.

    Reply
  14. Arni
    July 25, 2015 at 1:26 pm (2 years ago)

    I am so happy to read your blog and will definitely keep on reading. I hit my rock bottom yesterday when I lost it handing over my 15 month old having tantrums to my husband because I can’t handle it anymore. I waited 8 years before having a kid because I was career driven and I wanted to travel which I did. I was a breadwinner to my 4 siblings and I knew pretty well how difficult it is to be a provider and a sort of parent to them. When I thought I couldn’t have kids anymore by the time I was ready, my daughter came by surprise at the peak of my career. I chose her and my family over my dream job and turned into a full time Mom and the big change has got me into depression . There are moments when I just want to submit a resignation letter for being a Mom. Whenever I look at my daughter, that feeling disappears. They do resurface sometimes. Thank you for your honest blog. It helps to read and know that it’s okay not being the perfect Mom no matter how I try.

    Reply
  15. Antanika
    August 31, 2015 at 11:52 pm (2 years ago)

    I love that you are totally honest about not wanting kids but loving it all <3

    Reply
  16. Apri
    December 19, 2016 at 12:23 pm (3 months ago)

    Unplanned doesn’t mean unwanted.

    Reply

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