We all know them. We’ve all had them. We’ve all welcomed them into our home despite their unwelcome house guest status in our brain. You can’t say no to them, but your spouse elbows you in the ribs whenever you say, “Yes, of course you can stay with us.” You know who I’m talking about.
It’s come to my attention that toddlers are not unlike those unwanted house guests. Except for their time spent on Earth thus far, there are eight astounding similarities between the two.
1. They take your deodorant without asking. Or your toothbrush, toothpaste, loofah, whatever. Kids and unwelcome guests (UGs) have no sense of respect for other people’s things. Put my things down!
2. They eat all your food. They have different tactics–toddlers steal it directly from your plate while UGs wait until you’re asleep to pilfer the pantry–but the end result is the same. The cupboards are bare and there’s crumbs everywhere.
3. They don’t clean up after themselves.. Those crumbs I just mentioned? That’s the least of your problems. How about the clothes tornado that began in the guest room and has now ransacked every spare inch of floor space? How about toys in the bedroom, the bathroom, the fridge? Evidently Mommy and/or Happy Host are the only ones capable of cleaning.
4. They make noise at all hours.. Not quiet noises, either. Loud noises. Noises that wake you up and send you hurtling into the other room to see what on Earth is going on. If it’s a toddler, it could be because they had a bad dream. If it’s a UG it’s probably because they can’t get your fancy TV remote to work. You should really have someone set that up properly.
5. They commandeer the TV. Oh, did you wanna watch something? I just found this awesome 4-day marathon of Real World (or Daniel Tiger) and I’ve only seen every episode 5 times, so I need to watch it again and again. You don’t mind, right?
6. They walk around naked. You and your UG may have been besties since you were born, but no one needs to see that. Put some clothes on. That goes for you, too, Mr. Wearing a Diaper is Cramping My Style.
7. They don’t bathe enough. You’d think if they were going to steal your loofah, they could steal your soap too. And a PSA to my toddler: Splashing in the tub until FEMA calls to confirm the flood zone, does not make for a proper bath.
8. They tie up your phone line.. The UG will do it making long distance calls to who knows where for who knows how long. Your toddler will take your phone for hours in order to take blurry pictures of your feet, their feet, the wall, that wall, and the wall over there as though they’re putting together a portfolio for the TMZ paparazzi crew.
At the end of the day, at least my toddlers are cute. Of course now that the UG has used all of my toiletries, they’re not looking too shabby.