My kids are two and three, respectively, and I think it’s about time they start pulling their own weight around here. They think that yogurt is a food group and mac and cheese grows on tress. They have the gall to keep growing which means I have to buy them clothes all the time. THEY ARE EXPENSIVE. And it’s time they head out and find work. Here are 9 jobs I”m positive they could get if they would just try.
Interrogator. “Why why why why why why?” Over and over again. They could crack the toughest criminal in an hour. Tops. And the criminal would confess to EVERYTHING they’ve ever done in their entire lives just to make it stop.
Interpreter. This has come in handy since my kids are so close in age. You know how toddlers sometimes emphatically tell you something but you have no idea what they’re saying? Enter my daughter. “Lily, do you know what brother said?” “He said he wants to watch Tiger.” Oh. Well that was easy.
Taste Tester. They do not have any problem telling you exactly they think about the meal you put in front of them. They will spit and gag and cry if it tastes bad. They could save company’s millions on focus groups if they would just hire one toddler to try their new products.
Fashion Model. The other day I told my kids we were going to check the mail. My daughter changed clothes four times and insisted I put her hair in two ponytails. TO CHECK THE MAIL. Either she’s a model in training or there’s something going on with the neighbor boy.
Actor. There is no way my son can go from happy to horrified as fast as he does unless he has some God-given acting talent. He also has comedic timing well beyond his years. He could be the next Jonathan Taylor Thomas or whoever’s hot right now. I don’t know anything about pop culture these days.
Lawyer. My daughter came out around midnight recently and explain to me, “Mom, my bed is too small. Me too big. Me not sleep in there. BUT. Mommy and Daddy’s bed, that’s perfect. It just right for Lily to sleep in.” Pretty intense logic and argumentative skills for a three-year-old.
Wrecking Ball Operator. They don’t even need the ball. Just tell my son to go knock down a building and he will be all over it in no time.
The next Jackson Pollock. This is the only way to explain why my children insist on coloring all over EVERYTHING.
Stuntman. I’m tired of getting my son off of the bathroom counter and the dresser and consoling him when he jumps off the couch and hurts his head. These powers of his must be used for good. And a paycheck.