Luke was gone the majority of this past weekend at some tech-related thing I can’t tell you about. Not because it’s super top secret, but because I’m not sure I understand what it was. The point is he was gone and it was just me and the kids for pretty much three days straight.
Friday night after the kids were in bed I patted myself on the back the way I normally do: by making myself nachos for dinner. I like nachos. A lot. Chips, cheese, salsa. Who doesn’t like nachos?
The answer to that question would be my stomach.
Around 5 a.m. the Gastrointestinal Gods began to attack. I should’ve gotten up and, well, taken care of things, but I refused. I drifted in and out of sour stomach sleep until I finally had to get out of bed because toddlers.
My coffee had barely finished brewing before I found myself hurling up greasy, cheesy salty grossness into the kitchen sink. Shortly thereafter I was in the bathroom. You know why.
And like every mom--every person–I just wanted to do my business ALONE. I did not want an audience. I did not want cheerleaders squealing, “Good job, Mom!” I did not want questions about what that smell was. I just wanted to be by myself with my pain and my anguish and my apologies to my bowels for eating nachos the night before.
The piece de resistance came when my daughter brought in one of her dolls. She set the doll up against the bath tub where it had the best view and said, “Mom, Dolly wanna watch you poop.” My daughter left me to my issues while lifeless doll eyes stared at me in silent judgment for my dinner decisions.
I couldn’t just be alone.
Have you been there? Have you ever just wanted to pee alone? To be alone? Do you need to know there are lots of hilarious other moms who share your grievances about being a mom, a wife, a woman?
Then you should get your booty over to your nearest book purchasing place of choice and get a copy of I Still Just Want to Pee Alone. This side-splitting and heart-warming anthology is filled with 40 women who share their stories on motherhood and womanhood and everything in between.
You will laugh. You will feel validated. I promise.
I just told you about diarrhea. I have no reason to lie to you.
And if you don’t believe me, or you need to save your money for toilet paper, you’re in luck because I’m giving away a copy of the book!
All you have to do to enter is either leave a comment here on this post or on the Facebook post or on the tweet you may have followed to get here with your answer to this question:
“You have 30 uninterrupted minutes by yourself. What do you do?”
Me and my awesome team of judges will choose the winner and make the announcement Sunday night on my Facebook page.