The New Vows: Now That We’re Parents

photo credit: comedy_nose via photopin cc

photo credit: comedy_nose

When they get married, most couples exchange vows. It’s traditional, classic, and is a great way to try and make your fiance cry one last time as your fiance. They can be inspirational or heartwarming; funny or silly. They are promises the new couple makes to each other which, hopefully, will never be broken.

Common themes in wedding vows may include, “I’ll love you in sickness and in health,” “You are my rock and my safety net,” and, of course, “Until death do us part.” Sweet, touching, and a wonderful way to begin a couple’s new life together.

And while those vows should stay in tact forever, I think once the couple learns that they’re parents, they should exchange new vows. Becoming a mom or a dad changes everything and it’s only fair that the vows have a couple amendments made to them.

New vows from wife to husband

To my husband, and the soon to be father of our children. You have always been my rock and I am overjoyed to share this new adventure with you. I promise I’ll do everything in my power not to puke in your car when morning sickness strikes unexpectedly. I promise to stop screaming “You did this to me!” in the delivery room as soon as our son or daughter is born. If my water breaks while we’re lying in bed, I will not hold it against you when you say, “Oh gross!”

Once our children are here and you leave for work in the morning, I will try my best to change clothes at least five minutes before you come home at the end of the day. When you ask, “How was your day?” I will eagerly tell you, but if you foolishly ask, “What did you do all day?” I promise to restrain myself from attacking you with the cast iron pan. I will keep quiet when I think there’s too much water in the bath tub and trust you when you say “It’s not too hot.” Should our little one ever need medical attention after you take him or her to the park, I will not say, “This is all your fault” until the doctor confirms my suspicions.

Through teething, talking, and teenagers, I promise to always love you, always stand beside you and your decisions, and always keep your beer stocked in the fridge so long as there’s still room in there for my wine.

New vows from husband to wife

My darling, you are a true blessing and the reason I’m the man I am today. Though your ankles will swell, your midsection will grow, and your body will never be the same again, I promise to always tell you that you are as beautiful as you were the first day we met. I promise to willingly sleep on the couch when I’ve angered your pregnancy hormone addled brain. When you puke in my car that I just had detailed, I will not say a word except for, “You got a little on your chin.”

When our children are here, I will not criticize you when I think you’ve been spoiling the baby or tell you that the sour milk smell is you, nor will I dare open my mouth to tell you that the baby will be fine for five minutes while you take a shower. I will not pretend to understand you and your new maternal ways, but will do my best to agree with you as often as I can. When I go back to work, I will not tell you to stop texting me hundreds of  pictures of our new baby until you send me one of a blowout diaper. Then when I do tell you to stop, I’ll be sure to include the smiling pile of poop emoji to ease the sting. I will stand by the disciplining decisions you make while I’m gone, and will not complain when our son is grounded during football tryouts. You’re right; there is always next year.

Through teething, talking, and teenagers, I promise to always love you, always affirm you, and always make room for your wine in the fridge.

And they lived happily ever after.

4 Comments on The New Vows: Now That We’re Parents

  1. Alissa
    September 24, 2014 at 8:02 am (3 years ago)

    How about “I promise to help you clean the spit-up, poop and pee out of your hair in the mall family bathroom”?

    Reply
    • Toni Hammer
      September 25, 2014 at 9:01 pm (3 years ago)

      Hahahaha! Yes! That is too funny… because it didn’t happen to me. Yet.

      Reply
  2. Hillary
    September 28, 2014 at 10:55 pm (3 years ago)

    I promise to take my turn getting up with the baby. I will not look at you, eyes wide, and swear that “I got up with him last time. You just must have slept through it!”

    Reply
    • Toni Hammer
      September 29, 2014 at 7:15 pm (3 years ago)

      Haha! Yes!

      Reply

Whatcha think?