Toni Hammer

Are you done having children? Here's what no one tells you about making that decision. I call it The Void.

The Void When You’re Done Having Children

On October 9, 2013, Luke had a vasectomy. Since we never planned on having kids in the first place, and now we had two which were born 355 days apart, it seemed appropriate to take measures against the possibility of us having any more. It was the right thing, and the best thing, to do for us, our family, and my uterus.

What I hadn’t planned for was “the void.”

Let me tell you about the void. The void is formed once something is done to remove the option of you ever having children again. Once tubes are tied or organs are removed or whatever precaution is taken, the void emerges.

The void, though, is not an empty, desolate place. Many thoughts and feelings call this void home.

In this space is where my desire to have more children resides. Wait, you think, I thought you didn’t want more children? I didn’t. I don’t. But it’s very strange when you realize that your body, which has housed and pushed out two pretty awesome kids, will never do that again. These woman parts of mine that were designed to make cute, squishy babies, now just hang out in my body without the option to ever be used in their proper fashion ever again.Read More »The Void When You’re Done Having Children

Not everyone with kids planned on having them. I made the choice, though, and they have taught me the most valuable lesson a person can learn.

A Letter to My Children Whom I Never Wanted

Dear Lillian and Levi,

I never wanted kids. The idea of sleepless nights and wiping butts, mashed potatoes smeared on the walls and toddler tantrums just wasn’t something I felt called to do. Don’t get me wrong; I like kids. Other people’s kids. For a short amount of time. When I was a teenager, I would babysit because kids seemed to like me. I guess I liked them when I was younger. But as I got older the idea of being a mother didn’t resonate with me. It wasn’t even that I wanted to be some high-powered career woman.

I just didn’t want to be a mom.

Then one afternoon, after throwing up for the last half of mine and Daddy’s vacation, I took a pregnancy test “just to rule out” the possibility that I was pregnant.

Those two pink lines changed my life forever.Read More »A Letter to My Children Whom I Never Wanted