I haven’t learned how to get my son to stop grabbing himself every chance he gets, but I have learned a few things since kicking and screaming my way into parenthood.
1. The 5-second rule is actually closer to a week for kids. My son will come crawling into the kitchen to find me while gnawing on a piece of waffle and I’ll think, “When was the last time we had waffles? Where did he find that? Can it count as his lunch? Is there enough for Lillian?”
2. Chicken and Rice baby food tastes nothing like chicken and rice. It is nasty. It tastes like nasty. Why is it sweet? And why did I taste it in the first place? Oh, right, because my baby flung it onto my face when he realized it was nasty.
3. Cloth diapers are great until it’s 95 degrees in your apartment and you have to dry the stupid things. When everyone’s coercing you into buying these butt clothes they fail to mention that little fact.
4. The easiest way to get your kid to eat something is for you to sit down to enjoy it. I guess broccoli tastes better if you’re stealing it from your parent’s plate or partially-chewed right out of their mouth.
5. Once your child enters the world, you are suddenly gifted with the reflexes of a feline ninja X-men superhero in yoga pants. The other night my 1-year old son tried to slide my plate off the table. It barely began its descent when I grabbed for it left-handed and not only caught it, but somehow broke it in the process. That’s right, folks. I broke a plate midair. Take that, Superman.
6. Food multiplies when it hits the floor. I can give my daughter eight Cheerios and by the end of the day when I go to vacuum there’s an entire box under the table. I’m done grocery shopping. I’m just going to start putting leftovers on the floor and harvest the results in the morning.
What have you learned since becoming a parent?
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